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sort of angry, sort of happy I got upset with my mom a few nights ago, and I don't know if I over-reacted or not. I was trying on this Bridesmaid's dress that I will have to have altered, and she was like, "Oh, it's too small here, and I don't know how they are going to make this work", etc. Well, if any of you out there have been Bridesmaids before, you know that the dresses always need altering. Actually, this one fits pretty well, and will need minimal alterations, and I thought I looked okay in it. Well, later in the evening, my mom says to me, "Well, I hope this doesn't make you mad, but I'm going to tell you something." Always a bad sign of the thing she might say next. She said, "I think you will feel more comfortable in that dress if you lose some weight." I kind of lost it. Maybe I lost it because of the following reasons: 1. I'm tired 2. I'm a bit sensitive to comments like that because I wish I was thinner. 3. I'm a bit sensitive to comments like that because I am still overcoming a life-long eating disorder. 4. I'm a bit sensitive to comments like that because shouldn't moms always say, "Honey, you look beautiful!" no matter what? Okay. 1. Yes, I am tired, because I haven't been sleeping so great lately due to my bruised ribs. And when I am tired, I cry easily. 2. Yes, I wish I was thinner, but dammit, I'm a size 8, and do I need to kill myself over that? 3. See number two. 4. I don't even know what to say. I love her, too much maybe. I want her approval, and I never get it. It breaks my heart. I want to leave her and never ever talk to her again, and yet I want to tell her everything about my life...if she would listen without judging. I guess the biggest improvement I have made in my life is that years ago, her comment would have sent me into a tailspin of eating disorder behavior. Now, I am able to see it as her problem, not mine. I am fine, I am not fat. She has issues, and I do too, but I am dealing with mine. In her defense, I don't think that she realizes how serious I got with my eating disorder, because she always thinks thinner is better, and I never confided in her when it was bad. She really just doesn't get it. I left their house in tears that night, and she called me later to apologize, and I told her, "I don't think you understand how much I hate my body." She said, "Well, get over it!" I said, "It's not that easy", and she said, "I know, Miss Thunder Thighs here. (She thinks that she has big thighs)" We laughed, but honestly, she doesn't know. Nobody who hasn't been eating disordered can understand being eating disordered. It sucks. I feel so beautiful when I am with Jon, though. I feel embarrassed in the locker room at work with other women there, but I feel happy to walk around naked in front of Jon. I actually like walking around in front of him naked, I feel sexy and pretty and perfect. Miss These?
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