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battling ed I guess one of my favorite songs ever is "All I have to Do Is Dream" by The Everly Brothers. Fucking love that song. Like "In My Life" (Beatles), it's a song I always heard and always wished would be a song at my wedding. I read the book "Edie" about 7 years ago...I've always had a little obsession with the 60's and especially the Andy Warhol 60's. In that book, someone said that Edie Sedgwick and her sister Suky used to ride their horses high into the mountains of their ranch in Santa Barbara, and sing "Dream" at the top of their lungs. I totally related to Edie in that book. I didn't do the drugs that she did, but I related to her eating disorder, and wanting to be wonderful, and fabulous. I always wanted to be perceived as fabulous by others. So much so that I once starved myself for a long time. I sometimes wish I still had the willpower to starve myself again, and get really skinny. But I don't. And my baby told me tonight that he wouldn't want me to do that again. He loves me as I am. That's so cool. He loves me so much. And I love him so much. I guess I am feeling like I should restrict, but I am enjoying eating so much. I hope I don't get too fat. I feel lately like I want to restrict, but am fighting it. I don't want to purge anymore, haven't for a while. I love you, Jon. You are so good for me, in so many ways. You help me so much with my eating disorder, which is pretty much like any addiction...I feel like I'm over it for now, but it's a daily struggle. But you are such a big help in this. You make me feel so beautiful that I don't have to restrict or purge anymore. I love you so much. Miss These?
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