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old issues I used to be horrible to myself. I used to be pretty seriously eating disordered. I think now that I definitely should have seen doctors about it then. Luckily, I managed to get over it on my own. I used to throw up a lot. Like 5 or 6 times a day. I know that's not a pretty image, but it's what I used to do. All I wanted to do was eat. I dreamed about food, I would buy huge amounts of food, and I didn't know what to do about that. So I would throw it up. No one really worried about me because I hid it well. The few people who caught on, I lied to, extensively. I hated lying. And I was actually heavier then than I am now that I have quit doing that shit. I didn't look like I had an eating disorder, I wasn't too thin or anything. I don't know why I wanted food so much then. I just did...all I wanted was food. I told my mom that I was bulimic once. I didn't get much of a response from her. She's a little obsessed with her weight, and always has been, so I guess that shouldn't have surprised me that she didn't react very strongly to me being concerned about my "weight-loss" tactics. I'm not sure how I got over it, my bulimia, laxative abuse, etc. I guess it's kind of the same way that I stopped smoking...I got into a healthy work environment, where people weren't allowed to smoke at work, but were also professional, grown-up people, who didn't entertain dramatics. I guess I just realized that bulimia only would hurt me, and wouldn't make anyone pay more attention to me, except in a yukky way. I guess I just grew up. Which is not to discount people who are battling eating disorders. I know it's not just about "growing up"...I was lucky. I got over it (pretty much, it'll always be a part of my psyche). Whatever...I'm no psychologist, just babbling about myself. I like saying to people, "I eat a lot" and they say, "Well, you should". I'm so beyond apologizing for eating like I used to. But I also don't crave food like I used to. I eat when I am hungry, a concept that I never believed in before. I always had a problem eating in front of people, and was afraid that I would revert to that when I met Jon in person, but I didn't even think about it. Honestly. I ate what I wanted, and went back for seconds. I felt so comfortable with him, more than with anyone in my life. I also used to have issues with sharing food, but I fed him food and he fed me food, and it felt so natural, and normal. Never been so happy and confortable with myself in my life as right now. Miss These?
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