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looks I was thinking about some things today. My friend, Jessica, who is one of my oldest and best friends, is in town, and I hung with her and her hubby today. Jess has always struggled with her weight, which isn't surprising, considering her entire family tends toward the heavy side. She's pretty heavy right now, more so than I have seen her in a while. But she and her hubby are so happy together (he is one of those annoying naturally thin people)...he loves her, regardless of her weight. And when I look at her, I see her incredibly white teeth, and the same adorable smile that her mom has, and how cute and tiny her feet are. The first day of work at my new job, I noticed two women right off the bat. One, I thought, wow, she is OBESE, she practically waddles when she walks! The other, I thought, wow, she looks straight from the trailer park, very overweight as well, and a bad feathered hairstyle. I've gotten to know these women over the past two weeks, and it reminded me how perceptions change once you get to know someone. The first woman, Marla, probably IS clinically obese, but when I look at her now, I see her great smile, and her sense of humor is SO infectious...she laughs so loudly, I can't help but giggle. She's a cool person. I'm so glad that she and I are going to be working the same hours, and on the same team. The other woman, Michelle, the one I thought was from the trailer park, is amazing. She has six kids, is divorced, is working this job full-time and completing a college degree. She's SO smart, and SO witty, and her smile is amazing, all dimples. When she laughs, I think what an adorable child she must have been. I'm sad that she and I are going to be on different shifts after training is over, she's a cool chick. My friend Osena is a hot chick. She went out with this guy, Dave, in college, and he was really good-looking. They looked like a Golden couple, everyone thought they would get married. Turned out he was cheating on her, so they broke up. She married this guy, Doug, he's not so hot-looking, he's kind of geeky and chubby. They are SO happy together...whenever I see them, the love is SO evident between them. When I first met my friend Bob, I wasn't blown over by him. He's, in his own words, "a chubby Mexican guy". After getting to know him, I think he's the greatest guy. He has managed to merge many different relationships together so seemlessly...his daughter from an unplanned pregnancy when he was young, his wife's daughters from her previous marriage, and their new baby daughter together...not to mention his oldest daughter's step-brother and step-sister. It's all so complicated, yet Bob makes it all good. He's the sweetest, most understanding guy. I've said before in this diary how he pulled me onto his lap and let me cry the day Joe died. He's been an amazing friend to me. I have had two relationships before with guys who were very good-looking. Both guys turned out to be shallow and fucked-up in the head. I used to obsess about my looks. I used to never leave the house without lipstick on, and mascara. I used to restrict my eating to the point where it was unhealthy. I used to vomit after eating. I used to be embarrassed about having sex with the lights on. I used to think I had to be some kind of perfect thing, and I never lived up to my own expectations. My point of this whole rambling thing is that, it doesn't matter, the whole looks thing. I don't care what Jon looks like, I know I'm in love with him. And I would rather be 20 pounds overweight now than still be stuck in the cycle of eating disorders, and the stress and emotional pain that comes with that. I'm so much happier now, and ready to explore real love and open-ness. I want to kiss Jon's belly, even if it isn't perfectly flat, even if it fat. And I hope he feels the same way about me. I saw this thing on tv the other night where Tom Brokaw was hawking his latest WWII book, and he was telling a story about a soldier who lost his leg, and didn't want to tell his wife, because he was afraid she would leave him. He finally got the telegram back from her, and she said, "I married YOU, not your leg". Jon, I love YOU! Miss These?
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