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jon's love My very good friend, Joe, died almost a year ago. Hard to believe it's been almost a year. Sort of. But it's also hard to believe that it's only been a year. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. I remember, right after he died, thinking I would never be happy again, or even normal again. Thinking I would never smile again, unless it was fake, work smiling. I remember not being able to laugh at anything without crying at the same time. I remember waking up crying every morning, and being thrilled to go to work, because there I would have to pretend to be ok...but also when I would get home from work, I'd shut the front door and lean back against it, and sob my eyes out, fall to my knees and just cry every night. I remember Thanksgiving and Christmas only vaguely...I just wished I could stay in bed on those days, like I did on my other days off, and cry. I remember people looking at me on those holidays with sympathy in their eyes. We had a lot to do at work, and I remember throwing myself into it, just to avoid thinking about things. I remember that they had "site tours" of the new building-in-progress, and I never went to them. I didn't want to see the place that Joe, on the night he died, threatened to hang himself in at one point. The whole thing gave me the creeps. I didn't want to ever be a part of that building. I remember feeling very, very numb. To everything. I remember going up to the new building for the open house, and it was so BEAUTIFUL! I was astounded. Bob and I stood on the second floor balcony, and watched a gorgeous sunset, and I remember thinking for the first time, "things might be a little bit okay." Things weren't great after that...opening the new place was hard, and stressful, and I kept thinking how Joe would have hated the way things were going. I hated how things were going. Bob and I didn't laugh the way we used to, and I remember thinking that we would never laugh the way we had again. On March 1st, I woke up crying. I drove to work, crying, I didn't know why. When I got there, I started doing the usual stuff, but all of sudden I found myself in Michael's office, giving him my notice. And after that, I felt so much better. I left at 4.00, and went to Joe's grave. I sat there for a long time, watched the sunset. It was cold and windy, but a perfect sunset, and for the first time I thought, "we're all going to be ok, even you, Joe." I still don't laugh like I used to, before Joe died. But I never would have thought that I could be as happy as I am now, back when he first died. Even a few months ago, I was so much more subdued in my feelings. Then I met Jon. Jon, I wish you could have known me before Joe died. I was so much more carefree, silly. His death has changed me a lot. In some ways, I wish I had been in love with you when he died, because I could have used your support then, but I'm glad also that you met me later, because I was a downer then. Jon, you make me so happy. I never thought I'd be this happy. I never thought I'd find this kind of love. Especially after Joe died, I never thought I'd have hours on end where I just felt ecstatic with love, and happiness. I love you so much, you are not only the love of my life that I only dreamed of, you are also the miracle at a perfect time when I didn't know if I would ever laugh again. I love you. I wish I could express my feelings better. I love you, Jon. Miss These?
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