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I don't know
2001-06-07 @ 3:09 a.m.

I went up to see my best friend Ralon today...she lives in a city 2 hours away. We had a great day. Her son, Austin, is eight (almost nine) years old, and he was in school, so we went shopping, had pedicures (I love having a pedicure, but sometimes the pressure on my feet makes me want to SCREAM, it feels so good!) and had dinner at a cool place. It was fun.

We picked up Austin from a birthday party, and took him and two of his friends, Samantha and Ragu (yes, his real name) back to Ralon's to watch videos. They didn't have school tomorrow, for some reason. I was getting ready to leave when Samantha started screaming at Austin and Ragu, so Ralon and I went out into the living room. Samantha started SCREAMING at Ralon, "I don't want to watch this film! EVERYTIME I come to your house I see this film! I don't want to watch it!!!" This is an eight year old kid! Ralon said, "Look, we agreed on this, you are going to watch this film or else I will take you home." Samantha was still hysterical, and finally Ralon said, "Samantha, ZIP IT or I will call your mom!" Samantha settled down pretty quickly after that.

Ralon and I went to the kitchen, and Austin came in (who I have always thought was a pretty obnoxious child). Ralon said, "Ok, they are watching the video now, go in and watch with them." Austin, to his credit, said in a low voice, "I don't want to." Poor kid! Among his peers he is a GREAT kid. That's sad. Ralon was like, "Ok, go read your Harry Potter book, you're being a good kid, don't stress."

I was saying to Ralon before I left, "Holy SHIT can you IMAGINE screaming at your friends' mom when you were a kid?" And she was saying, "That's how kids are today." She was saying that she has the most rules in her house than in any other house she knows of.

I drove home for two hours thinking of a lot of things, including my love, Jon. And how I would like to tell my parents about him.

When I saw him, it turned out that he was having the same issues. I tried to explain to him how much I feel about us, but I don't think he believes me. I love him so much, I just want things to be good when we meet. I want things to be financially solvent with me. I think I may have fucked things up while I was trying to just explain. I love him so much, I think about him with every breath I take. When we stopped talking, I think he might have been crying. I know I was. After we stopped talking, I went and threw up in the toilet, it made me that ill.

I don't want to lose this guy, he is so important to me.

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